per-fec-tion-ism : noun 1) a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.
Our society celebrates perfectionism and it’s perpetuated by social media that reflects the oh so “perfect” looking lives of others. It didn’t start here. Let’s go way back to our early school days where we took tests, participated in activities, and competed with our peers to outperform and achieve. Often times in these environments, our imperfections were called out (sometimes loudly) by our teachers, coaches, and peers. Sometimes this kind of raw exposure caused us embarrassment and reinforced an idea that to avoid this and be accepted, we must become perfect. Certainly this scenario didn’t play out for all of us, but for some of us, it shaped a belief that perfectionism is to be worn as a badge of honor.
Striving is good. Constructive feedback is good, and improving is definitely very good. Where we go wrong is where we put our benchmarks and where we aim. There’s a difference between striving for excellence (which I highly endorse) and demanding perfection. Plus, many of us have been conditioned to hold ourselves to impossible standards as a result of our self imposed competition with, and comparison to, others. As perfectionists, we set ourselves up for failure and create a vicious cycle of disappointment and self-disapproval —- it’s a super exhausting game, with no winner.
I had a client who felt burned out at work and at home. 8 years doing the same job, she felt stuck and dissatisfied. In hopes of getting noticed for a promotion, she began taking on more and working constantly…as she had seen her “favored” teammate do. She maintained her home duties, too. Room mom, carpool, fund raising, and more. This pace went on for 2 years! At work she wasn’t promoted, in fact, the quality of her work suffered even though she worked hard to pace that “favored” coworker. At home she had grown resentful at the lack appreciation for her efforts to be the perfect parent. Through coaching, my client recognized her perfectionist tendencies and saw that it was not serving her to compare herself to the other moms and coworkers. Together we set up healthier strategies where her benchmarks for success were only against herself. Her manta became “better today than yesterday”. She aimed for progress rather than her former ideal of perfection. She took action and left that dead end job for a different one with her newly defined boundaries and targets. She felt more satisfied and empowered by her revised definition of success. *MIC DROP*
Do you suffer from perfectionist tendencies?
- How many times did you rewrite that email?
- How many times did you not participate in something because you felt you didn’t have enough expertise?
- How many times have you procrastinated, waiting for that “perfect” moment to start when you’d be able to do your very best?
- How many times have you missed a deadline to tweak your work product…just a bit little more?
- How many times have you carried the load of a group project to ensure it was delivered “perfectly”?
- How many times have people told you that your standards were unreasonably high?
Do these tendencies serve you well, and if you believe they do, what price are you paying?
Here’s what I think, it’s a no win proposition to measure yourself against what you think someone else has achieved. We’ve been conditioned to compare and compete for praise and recognition as a measure of our self worth…and this doesn’t work because we are individuals with unique talents and values. “Good enough” is far better than waiting for “perfection”, or worse, doing nothing. Are you feeling trapped and exhausted by perfectionist tendencies? I can help you create strategies and benchmarks that will set you free and allow you to take actions that will finally feel satisfying. Contact me today for your free consultation.
Organizational psychologist, Adam Grant said it best, “Don’t strive to be the best. It creates an illusion of an endpoint – and a delusion that the goal is to be superior to others. Strive to be better. The person you’re competing with is your past self, and the bar you’re setting is for your future self.”